I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I laid naked in his bed as he brought me an ice cream sandwich so I would say everything worked out great
A legendary roster of degenerates has been assembled.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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