Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
I'm like, not good at living.
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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