He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
