Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I came so hard my ears popped.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
