someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
