you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
