A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
