Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Meanwhile I'm googling glory holes in Vegas
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
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