I just pynch a tree in the face
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
