Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Coming down off exstacy at a church event. Resisting the urge to dance to the church hymns.
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Ice cream after masturbating>masturbating any other time
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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