Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
