you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
