You made me cry and you don't even care
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You may now shotgun with the bride
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
Randomize