I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
