I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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