A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Why am I not drinking beer at 8:26am is the question
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