so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Someone shattered a urinal.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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