I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.
ahaha ok
let's call it "werewolfing"
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
