Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Randomize
