i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Vegas is great, yelled at a guy 4 lanes over if he wanted a bj. ended up having sex in a vacant lot. I think he was homeless.
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
The air taste purple.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
