I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
Randomize
