I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
