i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
