Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
Back. Waiting on Thong the shuttle bus driver. THONG
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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