Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
