Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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