FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
Randomize
