I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
They have some sort of agreement that they can sleep with other people if it helps then achieve their goal, or something like that
How awkward
Yeah it's pretty fucked up
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
Randomize
