I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Wackin it to the USA womens soccer team. My own personal way of saying job well done.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
Randomize
