The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Haha so I huess that means he's a little over 7. I can use my throat as a ruler!!
One less school supply you need to buy!!
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
Randomize
