watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.
you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
you threw up into the pocket of your shirt. which was pretty damn polite
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Randomize
