Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
It's hard to talk dirty with a mouth full of peanut butter
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
