You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
time to smoke my breakfast
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
