so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
