Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
He's cheating on her.
Are you sure it wasn't her?
I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
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