I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Somehow I managed to make my Dunkin Donuts uniform look slutty. And I'm not even wearing hoops.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
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