So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
