i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
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