She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
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