Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
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