we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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