the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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