Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.
You've ruined television for me.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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