who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
