This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
? I'm just sitting watching something borrowed alone, crying in my boxers , feel like I should probably do something
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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