when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
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