im a genious. moved my bed and mirror so i can watch the game while Fucking
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
