im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Randomize
