I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I could not add him. He gets 5 likes on Instagram.
Randomize
