You're a womanizer and a bitch.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
