I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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