take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
They say you shouldnt they say its no good for the environment in your vagina
the real housewives reunion is on...i wanna see if danielle can look any more surprised than the facelift allows
i wanna see dina punch her face back to normal
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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