Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
I feel like I just gave a blowjob to a freight train.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Randomize