mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
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