a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
