I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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