Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
you kept calling numbers in ur phone book and saying, "I love your show, I'm a long time listener, first time caller."
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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