Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
