i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
He's only done it missionary. His world is about to be rocked. Do you know what I look like from behind?
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
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