The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
there was enough confetti in my bra to throw another NYE party
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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