he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Why am I wearing a dog collar
Only way we could keep you from running in to traffic.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
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