Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
She made me add her as a friend on fb before she got into my bed... I sense a stalker
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
Randomize
