I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
birth control should be required to get into college
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Randomize
