I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
