Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
